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Friday, May 11th, 2018
11:09 am - read me now.
this is written by David Eggars. he is amazing. so ask yourself one question? which one are you? laugh when they cry, jump when their down, smile when they frown.... we're all going down.....

You actually asked me the question: "Are you taking any steps to keep shit real?" I want you always to look back on this time as being a time when those words came out of your mouth.
Now, there was a time when such a question - albeit probably without the colloquial spin - would have originated from my own brain. Since I was thirteen, sitting in my orange-carpeted bedroom in ostensibly cutting-edge Lake Forest, Illinois, subscribing to the Village Voice and reading the earliest issues of Spin, I thought I had my ear to the railroad tracks of avant garde America. (Laurie Anderson, for example, had grown up only miles away!) I was always monitoring, with the most sensitive and well-calibrated apparatus, the degree of selloutitude exemplified by any given artist - musical, visual, theatrical, whatever. I was vigilant and merciless and knew it was my job to be so.
I bought R.E.M.'s first EP, Chronic Town, when it came out and thought I had found God. I loved Murmur, Reckoning, but then watched, with greater and greater dismay, as this obscure little band's audience grew, grew beyond obsessed people like myself, grew to encompass casual fans, people who had heard a song on the radio and picked up Green and listened for the hits. Old people liked them, and stupid people, and my moron neighbor who had sex with truck drivers. I wanted these phony R.E.M.-lovers dead.
But it was the band's fault, too. They played on Letterman. They switched record labels. Even their album covers seemed progressively more commercial. And when everyone I knew began liking them, I stopped. Had they changed, had their commitment to making art with integrity changed? I didn't care, because for me, any sort of popularity had an inverse relationship with what you term the keeping 'real' of 'shit.' When the Smiths became slightly popular they were sellouts. Bob Dylan appeared on MTV and of course was a sellout. Recently, just at dinner tonight, after a huge, sold-out reading by David Sedaris and Sarah Vowell (both sellouts), I was sitting next to an acquaintance, a very smart acquaintance married to the singer-songwriter of a very well-known band. I mentioned that I had seen the Flaming Lips the night before. She rolled her eyes. "Oh I really liked them on 90210," she sneered, assuming that this would put me and the band in our respective places.
Was she aware that The Flaming Lips had composed an album requiring the simultaneous playing of four separate discs, on four separate CD players? Was she aware that the band had once, for a show at Lincoln Center, handed out to audience members something like 100 portable tape players, with 100 different tapes, and had them all played at the same time, creating a symphonic sort of effect, one which completely devastated everyone in attendance? I went on and on to her about the band's accomplishments, their experiments. Was she convinced that they were more than their one appearance with Jason Priestly? She was.
Now, at that concert the night before, Wayne Coyne, the lead singer, had himself addressed this issue, and to great effect. After playing much of their new album, the band paused and he spoke to the audience. I will paraphrase what he said:
"Hi. Well, some people get all bitter when some song of theirs gets popular, and they refuse to play it. But we're not like that. We're happy that people like this song. So here it goes."
Then they played the song. (You know the song.) "She Don't Use Jelly" is the song, and it is a silly song, and it was their most popular song. But to highlight their enthusiasm for playing the song, the band released, from the stage and from the balconies, about 200 balloons. (Some of the balloons, it should be noted, were released by two grown men in bunny suits.) Then while playing the song, Wayne sang with a puppet on his hand, who also sang into the microphone. It was fun. It was good.
But was it a sellout? Probably. By some standards, yes. Can a good band play their hit song? Should we hate them for this? Probably, probably. First 90210, now they go playing the song every stupid night. Everyone knows that 90210 is not cutting edge, and that a cutting edge alternarock band should not appear on such a show. That rule is clearly stated in the obligatory engrained computer-chip sellout manual that we were all given when we hit adolescence.
But this sellout manual serves only the lazy and small. Those who bestow sellouthood upon their former heroes are driven to do so by, first and foremost, the unshakable need to reduce. The average one of us - a taker-in of various and constant media, is absolutely overwhelmed - as he or she should be - with the sheer volume of artistic output in every conceivable medium given to the world every day - it is simply too much to begin to process or comprehend - and so we are forced to try to sort, to reduce. We designate, we label, we diminish, we create hierarchies and categories.
Through largely received wisdom, we rule out Tom Waits's new album because it's the same old same old, and we save $15. U2 has lost it, Radiohead is too popular. Country music is bad, Puff Daddy is bad, the last Wallace book was bad because that one reviewer said so. We decide that TV is bad unless it's the Sopranos. We liked Rick Moody and Jonathan Lethem and Jeffrey Eugenides until they allowed their books to become movies. And on and on. The point is that we do this and to a certain extent we must do this. We must create categories, and to an extent, hierarchies.
But you know what is easiest of all? When we dismiss.
Oh how gloriously comforting, to be able to write someone off. Thus, in the overcrowded pantheon of alternarock bands, at a certain juncture, it became necessary for a certain brand of person to write off The Flaming Lips, despite the fact that everyone knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that their music was superb and groundbreaking and real. We could write them off because they shared a few minutes with Jason Priestley and that terrifying Tori Spelling person. Or we could write them off because too many magazines have talked about them. Or because it looked like the bassist was wearing too much gel in his hair.
One less thing to think about. Now, how to kill off the rest of our heroes, to better make room for new ones?
We liked Guided by Voices until they let Ric Ocasek produce their latest album, and everyone knows Ocasek is a sellout, having written those mushy Cars songs in the late 80s, and then - gasp! - produced Weezer's album, and of course Weezer's no good, because that Sweater song was on the radio, right, and dorky teenage girls were singing it and we cannot have that and so Weezer is bad and Ocasek is bad and Guided by Voices are bad, even if Spike Jonze did direct that one Weezer video, and we like Spike Jonze, don't we?
Oh. No. We don't. We don't like him anymore because he's married to Sofia Coppola, and she is not cool. Not cool. So bad in Godfather 3, such nepotism. So let's check off Spike Jonze - leaving room in our brains for who??
It's exhausting.
The only thing worse than this sort of activity is when people, students and teachers alike, run around college campuses calling each other racists and anti-Semites. It's born of boredom, lassitude. Too cowardly to address problems of substance where such problems actually are, we claw at those close to us. We point to our neighbor, in the khakis and sweater, and cry foul. It's ridiculous. We find enemies among our peers because we know them better, and their proximity and familiarity means we don't have to get off the couch to dismantle them.
And now, I am also a sellout. Here are my sins, many of which you may know about already:
First, I was a sellout because Might magazine took ads.Then I was a sellout because our pages were color, and not stapled together at the Kinko's.Then I was a sellout because I went to work for Esquire.Now I'm a sellout because my book has sold many copies.And because I have done many interviews.And because I have let people take my picture.And because my goddamn picture has been in just about every fucking magazine and newspaper printed in America.
And now, as far as McSweeney's is concerned, The Advocate interviewer wants to know if we're losing also our edge, if the magazine is selling out, hitting the mainstream, if we're still committed to publishing unknowns, and pieces killed by other magazines.
And the fact is, I don't give a fuck. When we did the last issue, this was my thought process: I saw a box. So I decided we'd do a box. We were given stories by some of our favorite writers - George Saunders, Rick Moody (who is uncool, uncool!), Haruki Murakami, Lydia Davis, others - and so we published them. Did I wonder if people would think we were selling out, that we were not fulfilling the mission they had assumed we had committed ourselves to?
No. I did not. Nor will I ever. We just don't care. We care about doing what we want to do creatively. We want to be interested in it. We want it to challenge us. We want it to be difficult. We want to reinvent the stupid thing every time. Would I ever think, before I did something, of how those with sellout monitors would respond to this or that move? I would not. The second I sense a thought like that trickling into my brain, I will put my head under the tires of a bus.
You want to know how big a sellout I am?
A few months ago I wrote an article for Time magazine and was paid $12,000 for it I am about to write something, 1,000 words, 3 pages or so, for something called Forbes ASAP, and for that I will be paid $6,000 For two years, until five months ago, I was on the payroll of ESPN magazine, as a consultant and sometime contributor. I was paid handsomely for doing very little. Same with my stint at Esquire. One year I spent there, with little to no duties. I wore khakis every day. Another Might editor and I, for almost a year, contributed to Details magazine, under pseudonyms, and were paid $2000 each for what never amounted to more than 10 minutes work - honestly never more than that. People from Hollywood want to make my book into a movie, and I am probably going to let them do so, and they will likely pay me a great deal of money for the privilege.
Do I care about this money? I do. Will I keep this money? Very little of it. Within the year I will have given away almost a million dollars to about 100 charities and individuals, benefiting everything from hospice care to an artist who makes sculptures from Burger King bags. And the rest will be going into publishing books through McSweeney's. Would I have been able to publish McSweeney's if I had not worked at Esquire? Probably not. Where is the $6000 from Forbes going? To a guy named Joe Polevy, who wants to write a book about the effects of radiator noise on children in New England.
Now, what if I were keeping all the money? What if I were buying property in St. Kitt's or blew it all on live-in prostitutes? What if, for example, I was, a few nights ago, sitting at a table in SoHo with a bunch of Hollywood slash celebrity acquaintances, one of whom I went to high school with, and one of whom was Puff Daddy? Would that make me a sellout? Would that mean I was a force of evil?
What if a few nights before that I was at the home of Julian Schnabel, at a party featuring Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, and at which Schnabel said we should get together to talk about him possibly directing my movie? And what if I said sure, let's?
Would all that make me a sellout? Would I be uncool? Would it have been more cool to not go to this party, or to not have written that book, or done that interview, or to have refused millions from Hollywood?
The thing is, I really like saying yes. I like new things, projects, plans, getting people together and doing something, trying something, even when it's corny or stupid. I am not good at saying no. And I do not get along with people who say no. When you die, and it really could be this afternoon, under the same bus wheels I'll stick my head if need be, you will not be happy about having said no. You will be kicking your ass about all the no's you've said. No to that opportunity, or no to that trip to Nova Scotia or no to that night out, or no to that project or no to that person who wants to be naked with you but you worry about what your friends will say.
No is for wimps. No is for pussies. No is to live small and embittered, cherishing the opportunities you missed because they might have sent the wrong message.
There is a point in one's life when one cares about selling out and not selling out. One worries whether or not wearing a certain shirt means that they are behind the curve or ahead of it, or that having certain music in one's collection means that they are impressive, or unimpressive.
Thankfully, for some, this all passes. I am here to tell you that I have, a few years ago, found my way out of that thicket of comparison and relentless suspicion and judgment. And it is a nice feeling. Because, in the end, no one will ever give a shit who has kept shit 'real' except the two or three people, sitting in their apartments, bitter and self-devouring, who take it upon themselves to wonder about such things. The keeping real of shit matters to some people, but it does not matter to me. It's fashion, and I don't like fashion, because fashion does not matter.
What matters is that you do good work. What matters is that you produce things that are true and will stand. What matters is that the Flaming Lips's new album is ravishing and I've listened to it a thousand times already, sometimes for days on end, and it enriches me and makes me want to save people. What matters is that it will stand forever, long after any narrow-hearted curmudgeons have forgotten their appearance on goddamn 90210. What matters is not the perception, nor the fashion, not who's up and who's down, but what someone has done and if they meant it. What matters is that you want to see and make and do, on as grand a scale as you want, regardless of what the tiny voices of tiny people say. Do not be critics, you people, I beg you. I was a critic and I wish I could take it all back because it came from a smelly and ignorant place in me, and spoke with a voice that was all rage and envy. Do not dismiss a book until you have written one, and do not dismiss a movie until you have made one, and do not dismiss a person until you have met them. It is a fuckload of work to be open-minded and generous and understanding and forgiving and accepting, but Christ, that is what matters. What matters is saying yes.
I say yes, and Wayne Coyne says yes, and if that makes us the enemy, then good, good, good. We are evil people because we want to live and do things. We are on the wrong side because we should be home, calculating which move would be the least damaging to our downtown reputations. But I say yes because I am curious. I want to see things. I say yes when my high school friend tells me to come out because he's hanging with Puffy. A real story, that. I say yes when Hollywood says they'll give me enough money to publish a hundred different books, or send twenty kids through college. Saying no is so fucking boring.
And if anyone wants to hurt me for that, or dismiss me for that, for saying yes, I say Oh do it, do it you motherfuckers, finally, finally, finally."

*of course bw found it

current mood: enthralled

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Friday, April 13th, 2018
1:18 pm
even cooler.
Create your own Movie List @ HotFreeLayouts!

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1:08 pm - me.
I thought this was neat.
Create your own Music List @ HotFreeLayouts!

current mood: impressed

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Tuesday, February 20th, 2018
5:01 pm - poot.

i miss the old me.

i filled out the same survey that i did 2 or so years ago.
i liked my old answers better i think.
i hate it when that happens.

 old survey:
i can't get the damn cut to work. BAH!

last car ride: to the computer lab with marty and katrina
last kiss: last night
one I enjoyed: last night
last movie seen: Ali/ jay and silent bob strike back
last cuss word uttered: shit
last beverage drank: diet V8 Splash
last food consumed: ramen noodles and cheese
last crush: haha moses
last phone call: voicemail
last tv show watched: before katrina's cable went out, late night with conan
last time showered: about 2 horus ago
last shoes worn: black flip flops
last cd played: barry white
last item bought: pumpkin pie cappucino from the circle K
last downloaded: psychology notes?
last annoyance: last night at some point, annoyed at myself
last disappointment: my car screwing up and leaving me stranded, once again
last thing written: flashcards for math
last words spoken: bless you
last sleep: cat nap this afternoon in my robe
last sexual fantasy: hmm, can't pinpoint that one
last ice cream eaten: black rasberry avalanche, marty bought it
last time amused: watching office space this morning and eating sunflower seeds
last time wanting to die: there are those split seconds throughout the day, you know
last time in love: i fall hard
last time hugged: snotnose on the couch
last chair sat in: besides the one now, the backseat of the car
last lipstick used: vanilla frosting, lip gloss
last show attended: whew.....that ATO party in pensacola had a killer band....can't remember the name.
last webpage visited: bankofamerica.com
day of the week: wednesday
least favorite day: monday
flower: lily/orchid
jello flavor: orange
special skills/talents: uhm, i'm starting calligraphy?
shampoo: some french silk stuff...i used the last of it today
summer/winter: winter, usually
called you: moses
slept in your bed: me
saw you cry: my mom
made you cry: uncle michael
last person you yelled at: uncle michael
sent you an email: jeff vangeet
said I Love You and meant it: several times
gone out in public in your pajamas: went out in traffic in them today, but stayed in the car
kept a secret from everyone: lots of times
cried during a movie: yes...the last one was Under the Tuscan Sun, i believe
planned your week based on the TV Guide: never have i ever.
been to New York: negative
been to California: when i was like 2
what time is it now: almost 7pm
been to jail: nope
been in a pyschatric ward: no
apples or bananas: apples
what are you going to do after you type this: go get coffee and study for psychology test tomorrow
are you bored: actually no. this is a treat. i'm sure it's boring to read, however.
last noise you heard: katrina sniffling
do you believe in love at first sight: in different words, yes.
do you want children someday: hopefully 2
most important thing to you in a friendship: reliable, caring, loving, and fun
things you dislike most about yourself: random irresponsiblity, affinity for alcohol
worst feeling in the world: betrayal / abandonment
who do you love: lots and lots....mom, darrell and tommy the most....friends are next.
who you miss: carlyn, some old friends and the way things were
how old do you look: 20ish
how old do you act: 30ish
glasses/contacts: supposed to have both...glasses are on the way!
do you have any pets: yep..charlie the girldog, and milo the boycat
do you get embarrassed: oh yeah.
what upsets you: seeing other people upset bothers me the most....

i love to: go for walks at night...really i'm starting to enjoy it
i miss: feeling like i had my feet planted to the ground
i wish: the boys would come home from Iraq....
i wish: i had it in me to pack up and move away from this town.
i hope: the southpark episode tonight is worth it
i am annoyed by: people who talk about drugs
i am: kristen shea mire
i want to be: a living, graduated, childlike, accomplished, comfortable adult someday
i would never: take a bath with christmas lights
i'd rather be: a feline
i will always be: a little too sensitive for my own good
i will always have: long hair

what do you notice first: hair
last person you slow danced with: moses in the living room
do you have a crush on anyone: yes i do
top 5 people of the opposite sex you wanna do: ehh, i'm not so sure. butch walker times five? or johnny depp (even if he's not a pirate),
makes you laugh the most: tommy
makes you smile: makes my eyes smile: moses. yes, i'm infatuated.
can make you feel better no matter what: heather
has a crush on you: no clue?
do you have a crush on: hot neighbors
sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: i've been known to have done it in the past.
save AIM conversations: used to religiously
save Emails: some
wish you were someone else: not usually. sometimes i want to be lucille ball, but that wouldn't do me any good now.
wear perfume: occasionally....polo sport for women, old school.
kiss: all the time
romantic memory: selective.

fallen for your best friend?: i have. twice.
made out with JUST a friend?: yep.
been rejected: uh huh.
been in love?: i think so.
been in lust?: camoflauge, but yes.
used someone?: not intentionally
been used?: don't want to remember that.
cheated on someone?: no.
been cheated on?: all practical signs point to yes, but never caught them in the act, thank goodness.
been kissed?: yes
done something you regret: some things you learn from hurting yourself, some things you learn from hurting someone else.
color your hair?: no
have piercings?: just ears and cartilage...and a monroe (fake)
have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yes
own a webcam?: my dad does
own a thong?: yes
ever get off the damn computer?: i'm never on anymore.
sprechen Sie Deutsch?: nope...je me parler Francais.
habla espanol?: unless bradley james sings it, i don't know it.
quack?: only on good days
stolen anything?: yes.
smoke?: i'm quitting
schizophrenic?: no
obsessive compulsive?: i know people who are
panic: nope
anxiety?: haven't had a problem with it in some time
depressed?: i swing like joe dimaggio
long distance relationships: mostly against...unneccessary stress.
using someone: against it.
killing people: yep. nobody has the right to allot death.
driving drunk: against.
gay/lesbian relationship: as long as it isn't based more than 75% on sex..which i'm finding to be more prevalent
soap operas: OOOO i'm for them.
food: spaghetti, mashed potatoes, and cream cheese
song: you know i couldn't pick....top four: bohemian rhapsody (queen), shimmer (fuel) the luckiest (ben folds), desperado (the eagles)
thing to talk about: nostalgia
drinks: cream soda and jack daniels
clothes: jeans and long sleeved tshirts, camisoles, and hoodies
favorite band of all time: marvelous 3/ our lady peace
holiday: christmas
disney movie: cinderella
scent: clean laundry
nickname: Locks, K
guy name: sean
pretty: sometimes
funny: i think so.
hot: when i'm going for that look, i suppose i convince myself
friendly: yes
amusing: eh, entertaining enough.
ugly: no
loveable: definitely
pessimistic: the glass is half empty.
optimistic: fill it back up.
caring: naturally
sweet: ehh no.
dorky: wishful thinking

current mood: annoyed

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Tuesday, January 30th, 2018
4:31 pm - word of the YEAR?
i really do have a lot of stuff to update.
i think i'm going to get it all down tonight after i finish a psych paper.

however, this could not wait.

all hail the ubiquitous ipod...

"Meanwhile, the New Oxford American Dictionary declared "podcast" Word of the Year for 2005, and will add the term to its online version in an update this year."

(don't get me wrong, i'm a total ipod fan and junkie, and podcasts are awesome) but still.
what a pitiful word of the year. how upsetting.

current mood: confused

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Thursday, January 11th, 2018
3:18 pm - this talk is going to suck.
and it's almost all true.
i love the eagles.
great song.

Every night I’m lying in bed
Holding you close in my dreams
Thinking about all the things that we said
And coming apart at the seams

We try to talk it over
But the words come out too rough
I know you were trying
To give me the best of your love

Beautiful faces and loud, empty places
Look at the way that we live

Wasting our time on cheap talk and wine
Left us so little to give

That same old crowd
Was like a cold dark cloud
That we could never rise above

But here in my heart I give you the best of my love
Oh sweet darlin you get the best of my love, oh
Sweet darlin, you get the best of my love

I’m going back in time
And it’s a sweet dream
It was a quiet night
And I would be all right
If I could go on sleeping

But every morning
I wake up and worry
What’s gonna happen today
You see it your way
And I see it mine
But we both see it slipping away

You know we always had each other baby
I guess that wasn’t enough
Oh, but here in my heart
I give you the best of my love

current mood: sad

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Saturday, December 16th, 2017
11:27 am - head hurts
My pinkie fingers are freezing. I think they might fall off if I’m not careful.
Why are seagulls flying over capital circle in the middle of winter? I thought they were albino buzzards until I got a closer look. Maybe they’re going to peck the construction workers eyeballs out. I hope not. That’d be gross.

I’ve spent the last few days trying to throw myself into the Christmas spirit, but it’s just not happening. I’m happy and optimistic, it just doesn’t feel like the holidays for some reason.
My mother probably isn’t helping. I feel like I did 5 years ago, holding her together. I told her,”mother..you are wearing me out. I feel like I did 5 years ago.” She finished my sentence with, “what..keeping me from falling apart?”
Atleast she lets me know that she’s thankful I’m around now.
Her and Tommy finally got a Christmas tree yesterday from Esposito’s, but ofcourse he sat on his ass and watched me fight the antique tree stand for sugar water that is supposed to nourish the tree, yet instead spilled out of the side and trickled to the front of my shirt that was pressed against the wood floors. Laying belly down, I kept repeating “righty tighty, lefty loosey” in my head so that I could get the screws that look like keys to hold the tree upright.

I didn’t have a hard time putting all of the lights on this year, however. It glows from the inside out due to my majestic placement of the fire hazards.

I bought a knifty knitter at Michaels the other day. It has been forever since I have spent an afternoon strolling up and down those isles wishing for talents to spring off of the shelves and into my hands. I want to be able to paint and bead and carve wood.
Fucking a if the bitch next door does not answer her gd phone, I’m going to slam it.
it stopped. Damn.
So anyway, I decided to get art supplies for the few things that I am good at, as well as these round knifty knitter looms that will make the scarves much easier to produce.

All of this craft store browsing inspired me to organize all of my arts and craps into respective containers. The blue, briefcase looking one with the skull and crossbones on it made a fine home to about 15 bottles of puff paint. I have a drawer for fun junk (ribbons, scrap material), and one for my hot glue gun, tacky glue, scissors, hole punches, glitter, googly eyes. I actually had enough beads that they received their own container as well. I have a paper box, and a scrapbook box. I'm going to target to find a pretty photo box, since i reserve albums for only good pictures.
Now that I have inventoried, I can go buy more. Nobody to do arts and craps with anymore though. My creativity will be restricted to ME, myself.

I’m excited. So excited, in fact, that I think I’m going to skip the Christmas party (my boss just came in and said we were the only people left in the building, her and I) and go home to my projects.
Snowman poop and beautiful paper
Mom and DC are at a funeral in Cocoa, so I’ll have the house peacefully quiet.
Maybe i'll have a spa night to myself.
i've actually been craving alone time, big time.

Last weekend I got to play mommy to Taylor when Kelly was at work. That child is so incredibly adorable.
She is built like an oak tree. I was carrying her around the house, waiting for Chad to wash out the tub and get her bubbles going. There's a huge mirror in the dining room that I kept walking in front of, playing peekaboo. I'd stop, just to look at her, and EVERY single time i stopped in front of that mirror, she'd lay her head against mine, look in the mirror, and grin from ear to ear.
I think i will be knifty knitting her a hat with a pom pom on it this weekend.

I drank really close to too much last night.
There are Chronicles of Narnia toys inside happy meals right now.

current mood: peaceful

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Friday, December 1st, 2017
11:24 am - I'm surpised shithead rev. Jessie Jackson is involved yet.

I can't remember who was talking about this last, but it caught my eye again.

They're going to kill him back on Dec. 13th. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Court refuses to block Stanley Tookie Williams, the Crips gang founder's executionCollapse )

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Tuesday, November 28th, 2017
2:21 pm - don't let me forget
the ataris are playing at big daddys, tuesday, december 20.
don't let me forget.

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Thursday, November 23rd, 2017
10:44 am

this is better than a singing telegram:


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Wednesday, November 22nd, 2017
11:50 am - thanks

The DesiderataCollapse )

current mood: peaceful

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Saturday, November 18th, 2017
2:05 pm - you stand up on your own
I fell in love with this band in 7th grade because of this song, and have been ever since.
I just found a CD that mikey made me of like 20 OLP videos.
I got through many a hard time with the clumsy CD…I think it defined me almost entirely at one point.

Throw away the radio suitcase
Keeps you awake
Hide the telephone in case you realize that sometimes you’re just not okay
You level off, and It’s not alright now
You need to understand
There’s nothing strange about this
You need to know your friends

You need to know that I’ll be waving my hand
Watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud
Maybe you should sleep
Maybe you just need a friend
As clumsy as you’ve been
There’s no one laughing
You will be safe in here

Throw away this very old shoelace, tripped you again
Try and shrug it off
It’s only skin now
You need to understand
There’s nothing fake about this
You need to let me in
I’m watching you

You need to know that I’ll be waving my hand
Watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud
Maybe you should sleep
Maybe you just need a friend

As clumsy as you’ve been
There’s no one laughing
You will be safe in here

I’ll be waving my hand
Watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud

i guess the fact that raine maida is incredibly beautiful, and is married to the girl with the frog on her eye in my picture, isn't so bad either.

current mood: pleased

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Friday, November 17th, 2017
10:39 am - happy thursday!
Only a week until turkey day... i need cranberry fab in my life asap.

I’m in a disgustingly great mood today.
I guess that’s a perk of coming to work still half drunk from the night before.
I performed my Fresca fairy duties; wrote sickly sweet emails to my work BFF/mom and real mom. I text messaged from my computer, and ate a lean pocket (philly).
And look, all before 10:35 a.m.

There’s some major drama for your momma at work today…people love to talk shit. I’ve actually taught grown ass women to take the high road, and not to let these bastards get them down (for more than a few hours anyway). Well atleast they’ve acknowledged that they shouldn’t let it bother them.

I wasn’t a very good girl last night, but I’m not so worried about it.

I signed an email with, “Chin up, <3 k”.
It reminded me of “hoodie up, I’m out,” which, in turn, reminded me of “yomomabrefstank”.

I love good moods. I should have them more often!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: silly

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Friday, November 10th, 2017
4:29 pm - order up some new parts!
I get to leave work in FIVE minutes.
I’m playing texas hold’em with moses tonight!
Seeing as I know two Katies, we call them one Katie W and one Katie O. However, as with Caseys (KC), we abbreviate using KTW and KTO. I see KTO and I think of TKO…so I keep thinking knockout and wrestling and UFC…How do I even know this crap?
I noticed tomorrow is 11-11.

Amanda, I’m stealing your motion city soundtrack song.

current mood: good

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Thursday, November 9th, 2017
4:01 pm - random

Leave it to me to jinx everything.
Obi’s dad is back in the hospital, and we’ve gotten in stupid fights over stupid shit.
My emotions are so twisted, it’s scary. Literally, I can feel one thing one minute, and one thing another…sometimes both at the same time.
I wish I could separate this crap so I could sort it out.

I really wish I were omniscient …selectively omniscient. Maybe even just for a day. That’d be my superpower of choice. Not really, I’d pick something a bit more exciting.

I just remembered being at Friday’s with costa and carlyn, and reading all of the conversation starters on the back of the sugar packets.

See? I’m crazy. Things pop in and out of my head before I even have time to register more than a half-second blip.

On a lighter note, I really do have some incredible people in my life. Some of them pop in and pop out. Some are always there. Some are people that I don’t even really know yet, but grace the outskirts of my fickle world. Smiles and bagels and old faces. I need to think about some good things.


-my mom always remembering to set the alarm clock for me when I stay at her house. I never ask her to, she just does it. It makes me feel like a child again.
-roger (old work boss) wearing a pinstripe suit to work, just to treat my old team to applebee’s for lunch.
-the pumpkin that we carved for Halloween that mom put in the tree for decoration, half-slumped over because it’s starting to get soft. We carved his face into the side that had a ‘scar’, and his mouth was sideways. Now he looks really sad, and you can’t see his smile anymore.

-my brother wearing the crocheted (i hate that word) beanie hat that my fsu lit teacher made me, ALL THE TIME because it keeps his head warm.
-knowing that I have a special ring on someone’s phone, and that that someone always picks up when I call.
-realizing that Brittany and I connect, even when we’re not speaking.
-realizing that Brittany and I connect after 4 years of oversight.
-walking into a brand new bar, and seeing two familiar faces working behind it.
-chewy-on-the-inside gobstoppers

For them, I am thankful. I read a random post the other day that was an interesting look on things. Not a rant about their life woes..(like mine)…but much more complex. I don’t usually find comfort that way. I guess it’s nice to feel things at all, good or bad.

I’m trying to listen to my audiobook on the ipod, and read legal manuscript at the same time. It’s really not working.

current mood: mellow

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Wednesday, November 8th, 2017
10:02 am - everything dull needs replacing...
I think I’ve grown to be mean.
I don’t really have any hobbies anymore.

Heather and I are falling apart…and for some reason I really don’t care.

David and I aren’t falling apart, and I almost want us to.

I’m bored with my job.

Is this ME or THEM?

Is this November talking, signifying a time for change because the seasons are trying to? Is it possible that my direction changes with the seasons? That’s not good…3-4 major malfunctions in a year?

The only advice that makes sense is to make pros and cons lists.
The truth is, there aren’t any easy answers when it comes to people that you care for.
I’m going to have to spend some time to myself. No sooner than the words appeared, did I think to myself, “I need to grab Brittany for a beer tonight…we’ll talk it out.”

How do I keep myself from getting bored? I’ve managed to stay intrigued for a year and 9 months…is it ever going to top that?

My everything bagel this morning was really good…it had lots of everything, including salt. Weimar even cut it in half for me J

I have decided, however, that I’m going to keep things in tact until after Chad and Kelly’s wedding. Maybe some romance will come back. I’m sick of trying. I’m too young not to have fun and romance when it’s there otherwise. Am I trying hard enough?
I’m really, really confused.
I’ve typed 3 different sentences and then deleted them.

I’m not unhappy.
I’m not sick.
I’m trying not to be selfish.
I’m listening to SRV which is helping.

Igh, now I’m sick of thinking about it. But how do you leave it up to chance?

current mood: bitchy

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Tuesday, October 24th, 2017
3:51 pm - bored.
1) What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
a parking permit and a campaign sticker that needs to come off

2) What posters do you have in your room?
I have them all at work. My 10-year old yoda poster from pizza hut and a marvelous 3 one.
3) What do you hear right now?
Roger hacking up a lung and the air conditioner.

4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
I’m drinking water, but apple juice would be good

5) Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My neck is sort of sore, but it’s pretty much always sore

6) If someone you hated died, would you laugh and spit on their grave?
I don’t think I really hate anybody. I’m not ballsy enough to laugh at dead people.

7) What's your job position called?
Legal tech editor, graphics coordinator

8) What size ring do you wear?
7 1/2

9) Do you own a picture phone?
nope. I have the Dewalt Nextel. No camera there. My old verizon phone did though.

10) What's your bf/gf birthday?
October 28…this Friday

11) What was your elementary school's mascot?
a leprechaun

12) What's your favorite bottled water?
evian, when I can afford it.

13) What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
Brad Paisley, November 11.

14) What were you doing at 9 pm last night?
drinking a beer and tallying up sex scores with Brittany

15) What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
Hot tea or the coffee of the day

16) Do you exercise as much as you should?
I go through exercise spurts. Right now i’m on a down spurt.

17) Did you attend your High School prom?
yep. Prom is overrated. If it weren’t for getting dressed up, prom would suck.

18) Did you go to someone else's prom?
I don’t think so. I never dated anyone from another school.

19) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
I strongly doubt it.


Something purple within 5 feet of you?
Mini “k” post it note stuck to my monitor, and some purple playdough.

The sexiest item of clothing you own?
a rhinestone embellished g-string (only at the top, ouch) that I stupidly put in the washing machine and ruined.

If the Matrix existed, would you want to know?
Yes, probably. Since I wasn’t born entirely brainless, I would need to know.

How long can you hold your breath underwater?
Not sure, depends on what I’m doing.

Favorite Pocky flavor?
pocky?what is pocky?

Your nails were last painted?
I always keep clear on my fingernails…toenails were done before heather’s birthday…so Thursday.

The weirdest thing you've ever heated in the microwave?
? I was cooking an egg in the microwave once and put a Styrofoam plate over it. The steam from the egg made a really cool half-bubble in the plate. I’ll never forget that.

Have you ever done the Electric Slide?
I kick ass at that biatch. The last wedding I went to, a black lady in 3-inch stilettos taught me some new one (I can’t remember the name of it now. crap)

How much Japanese do you know?

Sparkly things?
I love them. I thought Britney Spears was so hot in the toxic video wearing that sparkly thing.

Ever crash a car, been in accidents?
A lady ran a red light and crashed into me. Car totaled, nobody hurt. I hydroplaned on UWF campus and nearly killed one of my friends..driving under the speed limit at 10 a.m.

Do you look good in yellow?
I think so. I look better in greens.

Do you sing?
Not very well, but always in the car and shower.

Ever sing in front of a large crowd?
in chorus at Leon, but only a few times. I was scared to even sing a scale for my teacher.

Do you dance?
yep, love to.

Is your hair long enough to chew on?
I gave chewing hair up awhile ago..but yes, it’s long enough.

Least favorite color?
the color of brown, wood paneled walls. It makes me hate the color.

Favorite kind of pizza?
thin crust veggie, or pineapple and ham.

Ever had Dippin' Dots?
At kennedy space center in 4th grade. Robert Booth was sticking them to his face.

Ever played an instrument?
I played the violin for about 3 years.

How old were you when you got a cell phone?
I used to steal my moms all the time. I finally got my own at about 17.

How old were you when you got your first car?
I think 17.

How many tickets do you have?
psh, a bunch.

How long have you been driving?
6 years

How many parking tickets?
It’s impossible to go to FSU and not get any parking tickets.

Do you own your own car?

What kind of car is it?
1998 toyota carolla

How old were you when you had your first kiss?
7th or 8th grade..jon dattolo on new years.

How old were you when you had your first REAL boyfriend/girlfriend?

Were you in love?
Now that I look back at it, not really. He was a project.

Do you want to get married?
not any time soon…I’ll leave that to everyone else for now.

At what age do you want to get married?
I have no idea. People say you change a lot in your twenties, so I’ll probably wait.

At what age do you want to have kids?
I always thought it’d be cool to be a young mom. Now I think I want to be 30ish.

How many kids?
as many as I can.

Do you believe in divorce?
I don’t ever want to be divorced, but I’m glad it’s there. It’s no fun for kids, I’ll tell you that.

First job: The Copy Shop
First screen name: tinidanser
First self purchased album: our lady peace
First funeral: My grandfather…dad’s dad.
First piercing/tattoo: earlobes
First credit card: Visa..Bank of America…cut it up.
First true love: chris
First enemy: This girl named Emily from my preschool.
First big trip: California..2 years old.
First concert: Jimmy Buffett
First musician(s) you remember hearing in your house: Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jimmy Buffett.

Last big car ride: besides the lakehouse…Biloxi.
Last kiss: David
Last library book: I can’t remember…I spend money and buy books now.
Last movie seen: Tootsie
Last movie seen in theater: The Corpse Bride
Last beverage drank: water
Last food consumed: cheez-its
Last phone call: attorney from Corpus Christi
Last CD played: Mr. Deeds soundtrack
Last annoyance: being told I have to switch offices..again..
Last soda drank: Coke
Last time scolded: Mom..this morning.
Last shirt worn: AE vintage mens tee shirt (XS and on sale)
Last website visited: newsweek.com to renew my subscription.

I AM: kristen
I WANT: to go home
I HAVE: madagascar masks from dennys on my door...dreams (hah).
I WISH: I was a neutron bomb
I HATE: roaches, mayonnaise
I FEAR: roaches and alligators
I HEAR: Lois talking about cinnamon rolls
I SEARCH: Word like 3,000 times a day
I REGRET: spending so much money this weekend…missing pops in the garden.
I LOVE:being outside
I ACHE: in my left butt cheek from falling down in the limo
I ALWAYS: type with my fingers on the homekeys.
I AM NOT: going to make that mistake again
I DANCE: however I want to
I SING: all the time
I CRY: in dramatic movies
I AM NOT ALWAYS: on time
I WRITE: in half cursive, half print words and sentences
I WIN: arguments
I LOSE: lighters
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: some excitement
I SHOULD: be working

YES or NO:
x. YOU KEEP A DIARY: I used to..not anymore
x. YOU LIKE TO COOK: when I don’t burn it

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: I always get crushes.
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: as long as I’m inside.

CURRENT HAIR COLOR: blondish-light brown
EYE COLOR: light brown
BODY: hopefully not growing
GLASSES or CONTACTS? In the process of getting them again.

COLOR: green
DAY: Thursday
MONTH: October
SONG(S): Clumsy, the luckiest
SEASON: fall
DRINK: crown and coke

CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: depends..probably milk
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: milk chocolate..unless it’s a toblerone, then white.

BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yes, beer and gas
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yes, several of them

Would you ever:
1. Eat a bug?: probably..if it were covered in something
2. Bungee jump?: not free falling
4. Kill someone? : if I had to
5. Parachute from a plane? Probably not
6. Walk on hot coals? Why would anybody do that?
7. Go out with someone for their looks? No way
8. Be a vegetarian? impossible
9. Wear plaid with stripes? yeah
10. IM a stranger? yeah
11. Sing Karaoke?yeah
12. Get drunk off your Ass? yeah
13. Shoplift? Too chicken
14. Run a red light? I’d run a yellow light…running red lights kills people
15. Star in a porn video? No.
16. Dye your hair blue? Probably not…no reason
17. Be on Survivor? I don’t think I could make it
18. Wear makeup in public?:yes
19. Not wear makeup in public? yes
20. Cheat on a test? yeah
21. Make someone cry? Not on purpose
22. Date someone more than 10 years older than you: sure
23. Stay up all night? Yeah.

current mood: bored

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Friday, October 20th, 2017
2:41 pm - go fug yourself

holy shit. i just spent 25 minutes of my day mesmerized by two bitches that are absolutely, friggin' hilarious. they write about dumb shit..but they are really good at it.

check this out and explore if you have 25 minutes..or so.

current mood: enthralled

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Wednesday, October 18th, 2017
12:52 pm - She's a stick!
My step-sister is having TWINS.
The 19 year old girl (i can't even believe she's that old) has TWO babies growing inside of her.
We can all imagine accidentally getting pregnant...it happens all the time.
Accidentally getting pregnant with twins?

I love my mother.
This is my step-mother's daughter (she is not fond of my step-mom).
She said, "Well, I guess whenever we see baby clothes for cheap we should stock up."
My mom has such a good heart.

Thank GOD it's Sheena having them and not me.
I don't think mom would be so understanding.

current mood: worried

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12:47 pm - Balad, Iraq

Jackie IMed me the other day, and told me to go to the washington post.com to read an article about Iraq that Chris was interviewed for and quoted in.

It's interesting to finally see and hear what he actually takes part in.

How he can say that his wit and humor have gone down the drain, i don't know. Only he would use a poker metaphor to illustrate a situation to a post journalist. Read if you have time.



current mood: impressed

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